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Fear in the Unplanned
Jen Mininger • Oct 28, 2019
Fear in the Unplanned
Even though, Kristie was in the thick of an identity shift, and in the thick of fear...this is what she texted me just before her session....
Friends, she “got it”! While doing her hair and make-up, she chose to “worship”…because she wanted her pictures to be “BEAUTIFUL”! This girl knows where true beauty comes from!
… and then, more so than ever, I looked forward to seeing her, and being inspired by her…because I knew she would be radiating from something beyond her…something (Someone) within her!
So, we met, and before we even began shooting, sweat was dripping down my back. I was so hot standing next to my military friend who seemed tough as nails in the heat, while being (what seemed like) 100 months pregnant!
But, despite the heat…there was this sense that we were about to experience something great…something that was already planned out for her (for us).
We held hands by that pond and asked God to lead our time…
And this is how He did…
As we walked around the edge of the pond, we discussed things from Kristie’s heart that she had previously shared with me
You see, this is not Kristie’s first child…rather, this pregnancy was making Kristie and Josh parents to now, 4 daughters. And…it was scary! Would she be good enough for this calling? What about her other hopes and dreams…would they be sacrificed forever? Was she gonna feel “stuck” in this season of babies, toddlers and potty training…forever!?
And what will others think? Actually…she already knew that… she knew that some were not exactly excited about this new child…they thought it was a bit crazy to have FOUR kids!
There was NO DOUBT in her mind that she loved this new baby, but she wrestled with all the feelings of fear, joy, self doubt, excitement, dread…
In the same breath, Kristie could feel loss and gain. Some days confidence and excitement would ooze from her heart…then other days she would feel a sense of shame and embarrassment.
These negative fears and feelings surrounding the “welcoming” of her 4th child, were something that Kristie was not proud of…
so, to counteract that, she imagined sweetness and beauty for her photo shoot. Something soft, gentle and flow-ey, like a subtle white dress to enhance her beautiful growing pregnancy. But as life has it with 3 littles in the home…she couldn’t get to the store until the very last minute!….and Walmart didn’t have that soft spoken white gown for her to squeeze into. Rather…the only thing that she could pull off for this was bright, bold and RED! “Seriously?”, she thought!
BOLD… the complete OPPOSITE of what she was dreaming of. BOLD, was exactly how she felt walking around with 3 little girls and a growing baby inside of her. And that “bold” feeling sometimes felt defensive and uncomfortable with others’ judgement and her personal fears.
I can relate to Kristie in this…sometimes, I long to blend in, to do the “normal”, to not receive flack or judgement for the life I am living. This pregnancy though, was the opposite of blend in for Kristie… it was bold and a bit “crazy” to some. But, God was working in Kristie’s heart to let her know that HE has chosen some “bold” for her and Josh..and HE knows what He is doing…His plan is perfect and beautiful!
and this dress turned out to be just what her soul needed. Kristie felt beautiful, radiant, and “ok” with herself in this bold red with bold belly! She needed to declare to herself that her life, her calling to these 4 daughters is something to be confident in…is something to continue to embrace… is something that she can boldly smile about!
Kristie began to step into the pond… and it felt SOOO good to cool off… she felt free and present in that moment.
As the water embraced her growing baby, she had a sense of peace and calm. She accepted the gift of this time, the gift of the sun radiating down on her…the gift of stepping into and immersing herself in this water and stepping into and immersing herself into the life God has for her!
With confidence that this IS God’s plan…I watched Kristie use this moment to embrace God’s call for her life as her reality and these waters almost powerlessly surrounded (embraced) her.
Like a marker in her personal identity’s journey…she placed another stake in the ground. A stake to embrace and be liberated in God’s brilliant plan for her life! She felt HIS love and acceptance over her…
This peace and freedom…and belief in God masterfully orchestrating her life… caused her to see more of a big picture….a picture that she could trust in…a picture that she could even smile about
And she began to share some of that big picture with me… some of her back story…some previous trials that could’ve really shaken her and Josh’s faith…but GOD! She shared with tears in her eyes, about how certain circumstances and people have prepared her and her husband for this present day…and this coming child…
Here is a small window into what she shared with me…
in Kristie’s words…
“My husband served in Iraq and Afghanistan and I served in Iraq. We have experienced battles and the loss of our friends, which is ever in our minds. We have lived both overseas, stateside, and moved from coast to coast multiple times. This has enabled us to meet some of THE most genuine, God fearing people across the globe. As God would have it, He placed these people in our lives at just the right moment. Looking back on it, I would say that it took moments of fear, doubt, and anxiousness to notice the subtle, yet obvious encounters with God’s perfect plan playing out right in front of our eyes.
Our lives were forever changed the moment we took the oath to serve and defend our country. And though the military has had a deep impact on my husband and I, nothing could quite prepare us for the exciting news of a first, then second, and even a third child. I am sure some of you can relate.
The uncertainty, the panic, the joy, the fear… the ever circling roller coaster of emotions that comes along with hormones, a change of plans, and a change of identity.
This was exactly where I found myself when we found out we were pregnant with our fourth child, only this time these feelings, the reality of FOUR children, the lack of approval from family, MY plans changing…. all of this felt like a millstone around my neck, and I was sinking fast!
One would think that with what my husband and I had been through, this type of FEAR wouldn’t settle in and take up residency. But, nonetheless, it felt like home. It was becoming a comfort zone, something that I just did not know how to break through.”
While snapping photos of Kristie, I was listening to her tell me more about her and Josh’s past…and talk about how it so deeply connected to this present “shaking” that she was going through. All the while she was surrounded by the soothing waters…like they were embracing her…soothing her, even in the midst of her fear.
It was kind of ironic how she felt these burdens were like a “millstone around her neck…and she was sinking fast”….but there she was…STANDING…beautifully, boldly and honestly….STANDING in the water. As she was talking about all the things that could have/ should have caused her to sink….she was STANDING!
Kristie goes on to say…
“Emotions can be SO challenging! They are ever so fleeting. Trying to talk yourself through these type of panic attacks was like trying to herd cats! They were unmanageable! This is where God comes in and completely rewrites my story. While I was wallowing in my self-pity, and how my plans were changing, my BODY was changing (yet again), and I just couldn’t get a hold of myself, God chose to send me a helper. Someone who has been there, walked this road before me, felt these same emotions, and has come out alive on the other side. Jen approached me with her layered photography, I had no clue what she meant by that, but it sounded intriguing.
We met at a beautiful pond, held hands, and we prayed. We asked God to be present during our photo session, we asked Him to show us what I was feeling, what I see, who I see, what does God see, and what God wanted me to see
I hadn’t really thought about SORTING through, identifying, and casting these fears, anxieties, and self-doubts to God and LEAVING them there. I truly felt guilty, like I wasn’t strong enough, like I was a bad mother because I was SO VERY fearful of having a fourth child. During a simple photo shoot, God was there. He was there in the conversation, He was there in the scenery, allowing the sun to shine on me, showing me boldness, confidence, and the brilliance of His plan. Shaping me, exposing my identity as a woman, a mother, and a wife, and making it so undeniable to me that it is only through His power that changing one’s self would come.”
“God had been preparing me all along. Through the time in the military, God showed me what it meant to fight and never give up. I HAD to use that or I was going to lose it. God showed me what it meant to transition, to shift my thinking, quickly, and not look back. God did not bring me to this situation ill prepared. My life, the trials, the rejection, the doubt, the panic, the fear, all of these things were not a waste, God is too good of a God to let our suffering go unnoticed.
He made beauty from my pain, from my ashes, and He used the people He chose and allowed to walk through the door into my life. All of these things so perfectly orchestrated to reveal to me who I was to become. The mother I doubted that I could ever be, the strength that Satan wants us to believe is out of our reach, and the TRUST that Satan wants us to never feel for our Savior who will never leave us. It took a step, it took help, and it took shifting a focus from self to Christ.
I will forever be grateful as I look back at these photos and SEE the shift from the woman that I once was, beneath these layers, to the woman that I am today. “
“One of the key verses that was used during our session was, “She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future” (Proverbs 31:25 NLT).
Friend… how can you relate to Kristie’s story? What are you fearing? What new reality is encompassing your life?… what are you not confident in? How has your past prepared you for THIS?
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Bobbie went from full hustle to full halt and discovered what God can do in a valley season.
It ached to hear the harsh words that she knew could be her own, yet it felt so safe and reassuring to know that God sees her and wants her to have new lyrics in her own heart.
Acknowledging the dark as well as the light feels so honest and helpful in these moments. Although, I will warn, that it can also feel raw and not always easy, YET it is a kindness to ourselves when we start with honesty, isn't it? It is both, difficult and kind.
Letting go.. or saying "no" can be SO HARD ! We don't want to, we'd rather be awesome, all the time, in all the things! BUT... is that really working for you and your people? What do you need to steward (manage, maximize or multiply) better? Do you need to let go of something so that you may better steward something of more value… for a season?
Tracy leaned into the old car unafraid of the dirt and rust that she was now touching.
As I said in an email to my Belize Trip Prayer Team.. “ I am thankful. Actually, I am dumbfounded, humbled and in awe.”
C O N T A C T
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